Last January, I wrote a post called “Let’s Talk About Sex” that is still one of my most read and most commented upon posts. In it, I explained my frustration with others trying to join me in the bedroom – aka, inquiring into my childless state. Many of you agreed, and I even got some great personal stories emailed to me, and a few comments as well.
At the time, I said that our timeline and goals were private. And then comes the problem of having a public blog, and yet wanting to reach out to virtual friends at the same time. Our journey towards trying to conceive has become this awful, all-consuming cloud that just follows me around. Its something that weighs so constantly on my mind, and yet isn’t the purpose of joining the blogging community to share life experiences with others? My favorite blogs are the ones that truly open up – depression, special needs children, divorce, sick children, etc. I envy those writers either for their anonymity, and the luxury they have to truly share what is in their soul – or for the writers that decided – heck, this is me, this is my little corner of the internet, and I’m going to write what I want.
My biggest problem is that my wonderful friends and family members would listen to me and support me until the end of time. But none of them are going through the struggles of trying to get pregnant. While they all know roughly what I’m going through, none of them can even relate. Recently, a co-worker confessed that she and her husband had a pregnancy scare the month prior. She is someone that I’ve always discussed these intimate details with and she held back, not wanting to say anything around me until she was sure – she knew that it would be difficult for me to swallow my jealousy and frustration. I think that her heart and her head were absolutely in the right place – but what have I become, that even those I can talk to now are cautiously watching their words?
When planning out your life, particularly when you are engaged or newly married, you just assume everything will work. I could probably rattle off 30 names of friends, sorority sisters, college classmates and co-workers that got “accidentally” pregnant. My own sister’s bio on TheBump says that she is a poster child for the adage “one time without protection is all it takes”. My very best friend was conceived to a mother on the pill.
I’m the planner. Tyler and I had a plan. I’m an organizer, and we talked about our goals within our plan. We’re responsible, and have good jobs, own a 4 bedroom single family home, and have the means to support ourselves and a child. We’re ready.
I recently read on another blog “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plan.” How true – because my plan is clearly not His plan. Tomorrow, I will be confirmed in the Catholic church. I will be giving my first confession, and taking my first communion. But I keep forgetting to put God first. How easy it is to say that I am a Christian, and then never trust that it just isn’t my time yet.
Jealousy is a nasty thing. When I hear the news of someone’s impending arrival of joy, I feel a swift clench around my heart. That should be me, I think. Following the jealousy is anger – why is it so easy for them? When is it MY turn? And then the sorrow. As the weather is turning warm in DC, I wistfully wish for a stroller to push to the park…a sprinkler to set up in our large, grassy backyard. The kids on my street are out playing and laughing until the streetlights come on – and I desperately want to be one of my neighbors that stands on her stoop and calls for them to come in and wash up. Its difficult to explain, but they are deep feelings of a loss – of something that I feel should be my life, and isn’t.
The Bible says, ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light‘ (Matthew 11:28-30).
I forget to get on my knees and say thanks for the life I have now. I have a husband who loves me. Every minute with him is the best minute of my life, and I’d never be who I am without him. I have friends who are supportive, funny, and kind. I drive a relatively new car, and while its not fancy, its mine. My husband and I have no debt except for our mortgage and his student loan. My life is SO blessed. And I fail to recognize where the strength and love of all of these blessings came from.
My favorite Bible story growing up was that of Job. And I’m not sure why, except for maybe it was one of the few that I could read in the Bible, and understand on my own. If you have not read it, I would encourage you to do so, but essentially, Job is a good and God loving father and husband, whose whole world falls apart. His wealth, his family, even his own health. And yet he doesn’t renounce God. I need to re-read this book tonight, because I have been doing an awful lot of “Why me, God?” lately, and given virtually no thanks. There is a reason for the place where I am in my life…and I need to come to peace with it.
Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 6 -7)